Indispensable friendship
Often the experience of pastors and church leaders can be a lonely one. As a leader, you can be highly connected to and involved in the lives of many people- you grieve with them, celebrate with them, wrestle through the things of God with them and yet often church leaders will express how difficult and complicated personal friendship can be.
In CS Lewis’ book The Four Loves, he discusses the four types of love that characterize human bonds- storge, philia, eros and agape. Storge ‘affection’ is like the love between parents and children, and humans and pets. Eros is described as romantic and sexual love expressed through marriage. Agape, he called charity; which he described as unconditional and selfless love. And lastly, philia, which he calls friendship-love. While we experience all these forms in one or multiple relationships, often friendship-love is the most undervalued. He writes:
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art, like the universe itself… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.
Ministry can make one quite pragmatic. The good news of Jesus can feel like a life and death matter with a ticking clock and so a ‘war time’ mentality can sneak into the mindset of many church leaders. Fueled by love and concern for others, we prioritise how we spend our limited time and energy, and friendship can seem like a selfish pursuit and the first thing to get cut from a demanding calendar. But is this true and is there a better way to think about it? What does the Gospel have to do with friendship?
What does Jesus say about friendship?
“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. 13 Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you do what I command you. 15 No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. 16 You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit and that your fruit should abide, so that whatever you ask the Father in my name, he may give it to you. 17 These things I command you, so that you will love one another.”
John 15 V12-17
1. We have been chosen and are called friends by Christ (V 15-16)
This is foundational in our understanding of the importance of friendship. It is one of the ways we both experience Christ and are called to be like him. Christ’s mission for the world has friendship bound up in it. Sometimes the goal-orientated nature of our ministry fails to see the creative genius in God’s purposes for friendship, beauty, art, philosophy and pleasure. If God were just concerned with getting to the end point of his mission, he certainly chose an ineffective and detoured way to get there?! This surely points us to something important- that His mission isn’t just an endpoint but how we enjoy Him and each other in the process.
2. Selfless love marks true friendship (V 12-13)
It was the selfless love of Christ that restored us to become children and friends of the living God. One thing that makes friendship difficult for us is that it’s risky. Unlike marriage or family that has certain expectations and commitments to one another, friendship has no such legal bounds. True friendship requires a selfless risky love for the sake of another with no promise of return. However, the reciprocal love of a friend is richer and sweeter than the greatest feast. Christ calls us to enjoy his love and friendship and commands us to offer this same love to others for His glory and our delight.
3. Making God known is the ultimate expression of friendship (V 15)
Because of our brokenness, we often trade genuine friendship for lower forms. We fall into the trap of accumulating many superficial friends, hoping that quantity will fill some void. We seek to deepen them by finding ‘specialised’ friends where you bond over a shared interest or pursuit or we try to make a friendship secure by selfishness and jealousy over another person. True friendship is not found in quantity, specialisation or sameness but in developing relationships where we make God known. Christ called us friends because he made known what he heard from the Father and shared with us what the Father is doing. We build and deepen friendships in the same way - we talk about God and what He’s up to.
In light of John 15, I can firmly disagree with Lewis. The Gospel shows us how Christ set his affections upon us, chose us and laid down his life for us, offering peace and grace and the ultimate gift of friendship. This great love we have received commands us to offer it to others.
While friendship may not seem necessary for survival, the very mission of God is tied up in it. For us to fulfil God’s purposes of becoming like Christ and displaying His glory - friendship is indispensable.
